Today's Humor ------------------- Among the speakers at a large seminar for ministers-in-training were many well known motivational speakers. One of them boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well. About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!" ******************* Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." The student looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." ******************* Q: What is the prize for winning a Frisbee contest? A: The Muscular Disc Trophy. Today's Humor ------------------- One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face." ******************* A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house. "That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up." "Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers." In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy. "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!" "Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first." ******************* Did you hear about the moron with two red ears who went to the doctors office? The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman. "But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Damn," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened to your other ear?" The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back." Today's Humor ------------------- An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common." ******************* One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!" ******************* Two morons purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try. After a long while one moron said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!" Today's Humor ------------------- A band of bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards. "Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her, "This is a robbery, not an office party!" ******************* Q: What is a nymphomaniac? A: It's a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. ******************* Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?" Today's Humor ------------------- After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very attractive blond behind the wheel. "Ma'am," he said ."I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been drinking." The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones." "That's amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that,too!" ******************* The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." ******************* Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room. "Notice anything?" she asked slyly. "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply. "How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the shit stains are in the front," he said. Today's Humor ------------------- The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed." ******************* Sidney, with his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started the experiment with the bull frog, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment. Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump frog!" The frog jumped and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet. Write that down, Sophie." he said. Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction Sophie wrote it down. Again the frog was brought back, and the left front leg was removed, and again said, "Jump frog!" It jumped 6 feet and Sophie wrote it down. Again Sidney tried, this time removing the large right back leg. "Jump frog! Jump frog!" he shouted and prodded the frog. The frog jumped 8 inches. "Write it down, Sophie." Finally Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig, shouting "Jump frog! Jump Frog! JUMP FROG! JUMP, JUMP FROG!" The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?" Sidney thought a moment, and told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf." ******************* Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand." About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. "I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much." Today's Humor ------------------- An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." ******************* Joe was sitting at a bar next to Bob. Bob turns to Joe and said, "Why are you moving so funny?" Joe said, "Do you really want to know?" Bob said, "Sure." "Okay." Joe said. "One day I was walking down the beach, when I kicked over a bottle, and a Genie popped out. The Genie said, 'I'll grant you any wish you say.' So then I said, 'No shit?'" ******************* This guy was sitting in a bar, looking incredibly glum. The bartender said, "What's wrong?" The guy answered, "I had to go on a week-long business trip, so I hung a weight from the bottom of my wife's bedspring just above a bowl of cream." The bartender said, "Did you come home and find cream on the weight?" The guy, "It's worse than that. The weight churned the cream into butter." Today's Humor ------------------- REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN 1. A guitar has a volume knob 2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $0.79 for a new one 3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to 4. You can unplug a guitar 5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more 6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset 7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested 8. You can have a guitar any color you want and noone will care 9. If your guitar gets loose, you can just tighten up the strings 10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can change pickups 11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar 12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set 13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking 14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required 15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free ************************************* REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS 1. Women are more fun when the power goes out 2. You can't get your guitar wet 3. Ever try to screw a guitar? 4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!) 5. A guitar won't beg to be played 6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it 7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue 8. Guitars aren't very aggressive 9. A guitar won't play you back 10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream 11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back 12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk 13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it 14. You can't play two guitars at once (it should be duly noted that yours truly, The Editor is a musician who was in a band that once opened for Motley Crue...) ************************************* Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says. The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I perfer to see the top of her head." Today's Humor ------------------- Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach. ************************************* Q. What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? A. You can unscrew a light bulb. ************************************* Q. Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular? A. You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it. Today's Humor ------------------- This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenarate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasam." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper." ************************************* A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" A little girl raised her hand, and said, "You'd be his wife." ************************************* A good fuck costs nothing, but gives much. It reaches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory sometimes lasts a lifetime. None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made richer by it. A good fuck creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged. A good fuck is sunshine to the sad, and is nature's best antidote for trouble. Yet, it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a good fuck. Give them one of yours, as none needs a good fuck so such as he who has no more to give. Have a good week. Today's Humor ------------------- Q: What do most blondes get on an IQ test? A: Drool. ************************************* Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash? A: She's the one on her bike. ************************************* A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the red head jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled, "SHIT!" Today's Humor ------------------- A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club: Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?" Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range." Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm." Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?" ************************************* Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. ************************************* Q: What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts. Today's Humor ------------------- Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard." "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!" ************************************* A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doc. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" ************************************* After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's." Today's Humor ------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a Rooster and a telephone pole? A: A 40 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. ************************************* Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones." ************************************* A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March.. Today's Humor ------------------- A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity. They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill - there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, "So, how was I?" She replied, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf." ************************************* A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading "Keep off the grass". After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." ************************************* A man and his wife were in bed and the man farts. His wife looks over at him and asks, "What was that?" To which her husband replies, "We are playing Fart Football. It's 7 to nothing." After a while the wife farts. "Ha, it's now 7 to 7." So the husband gets a big fart brewing and lets it rip and in the process he shits in the bed. The wife asks "Did you score again?" "Nope, that's the gun for half-time; Switch sides. Today's Humor ------------------- A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doc. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" ************************************* A guy sitting in the bar one day is knocking back shot after shot. The bartender says to him "You look upset bud, what seems to be the trouble?" "I am wrestling with a problem, as a doctor, I had sex with one of my patients today. It just all happened so fast, she was just laying there, looking so luscious, and before I knew it, I was in and done." "Yes, well, that is a serious problem, but one that does occur from time to time, between a patient and their doctor, because of the close personal phsyical relationship", sez the bartender. "I know, and I've told myself that over and over again, ", continues the bar patron, "and I seem to be able to settle the issue within myself for a short time, but then this little voice in the back of my head keeps nagging at me, ...Harry .. you are a Veterinarian." ************************************* Q: What is the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado? A: Nothing. You're gonna lose the trailer either way! Today's Humor ------------------- An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." ************************************* Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears. ************************************* Q: Why don`t blondes eat Jell-O? A: They can`t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages Today's Humor ------------------- "My wife can't pass up a bargain," said a guy told his friend. "Yesterday, she bought three things just because they were marked down: two dresses and an escalator." ************************************* Yo momma is so stupid, she went to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had. ************************************* Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie? A: It's called, "Honey, I Married the Kids". Today's Humor ------------------- While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation." ************************************* While exploring their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed. "What's that for?" she asked her spouse. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money, honey," she cooed. "A quarter in and I start vibrating, too." ************************************* "What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?" "What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your enormous sense of humor." Today's Humor ------------------- Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, Jane kept hinting to Dick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed, but somehow the message wasn't sinking in. She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane thought she had again failed to get his attention. Well, he was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks. ************************************* An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes." Today's Humor ------------------- A woman`s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won`t ripen. There`s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she`s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here`s what to do. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they`ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll see." Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," she answers. "The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer." ************************************* A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."